I got chills....

They're multiplyin'.....

But so far, nothing's losing control, thankfully.

I gave myself my 3rd dose this afternoon.  Didn't take anything before hand, because I wanted to see what it would do.  And, about 4 hours later, I'm feeling a little achy.  Nothing too terrible, but I wanted to jot it down in my journal.  Goes something like this:

Dose 3. Achy.

I like to keep it kind of simple, you know.

Do you know what achy means???  That's right!  I will be taking some NyQuil soon.  And I just bought the mixed berry flavor today.  I also picked up some Advil, so before anyone thinks I have a "problem", on Wednesday, I will take the Advil before my dose to try to ward off the symptoms. 

And since I'm only on 1/4th of a dose, working my way up to a whole dose, I bought the big bottle of Advil. 

Which came first....

The side effects or my hypochondriac-ism??

Dose number one was deep within my system by about 7pm last night.  At around 7:30pm, I started feeling a little weird.  Tired, achy and I think my head was hot.  So by 9pm, I was home, in bed with NyQuil also coursing through my system.  By 9:45pm I was fast asleep and missed who won Iron Chef....

So, what caused it??  I had a busy day.  Pool therapy in the morning, then I did laundry, followed by a bit of work.  I rushed home and got my medicine, then rushed out to meet Renee for dinner.  That was a big day.  I very easily could have been wiped out by that.  Or, it was the medicine.  Of course, since I have been accused many times of being a hypochondriac by my siblings, it is possible that just because the nurse told me that it was possible to have flu-like symptoms, I would have them.

So, I'm going to wait to decide....Next dose is Saturday evening.

Oh, happy day....

No, seriously.  Happy day!  My medication came today!  And, as an added bonus, Laurel, the nurse was able to fit me in to show me how to mix up the liquid gold that I will be injecting into my belly.  But wait, it keeps getting better!  Work let me leave early to meet Laurel, and then....I know, how much better can this get??  I had dinner with Renee!  And it was happy hour, so the appetizers were half off!  I'm so ok with this MS stuff!!  (At least for now....)

So, doing the math, it was exactly 2 months ago today that I was diagnosed with MS.  How cool that it was today that I got started on my medicine?  I don't believe in accidents....unless you count the time I had a sneezing fit and sort of hit my cruiser into a parked car.  That was totally an accident.....

I'm trying to get this episode of my blog out before any adverse symptoms from the medicine start.  If I wait too long, this may have a whole different tone to it! 

All the equipment they gave me is very cool.  Syringes, little vials of medicine, needles, even an auto injector.  After practicing giving the shot 4 times, twice with just the syringe and twice with the auto thing, I decided that just giving it with the syringe would be a little easier for me.  Luckily I was a vampire before I became a cop, so I have some experience with needles.  Of course, I only took blood out, I never put anything in before. 

It was time to do the real thing.  I attached a couple things, pushed some stuff into a vial, mixed it up, put it in the syringe, put some ice on my belly and finally stalled for a bit and chatted with Laurel.  Eventually, though, I had to do it.  And, you know....it wasn't bad at all!  It's a little needle and the ice numbed my skin so I really didn't feel it much.  I think knowing what it is supposed to do for me makes me not mind all that stuff....it probably wouldn't matter if it did hurt.

So now I get to be proactive...I have taken my Advil and my night medicine and hopefully will sleep through the fever and flu-like stuff that 6 out of 10 people get.  But, honestly, if it slows down more lesions and the disability part of it, I'll take the flu.

Besides, I love NyQuil, remember??

God has a real good sense of humor....

There are plenty of days that God makes me chuckle.  Even with everything going on, I realize you have to laugh.  Sometimes it's when I get called one of my new nicknames, like Grandma, Invalidy, or Crip (I'm starting my own segment of the gang, Crips...now I just need one of my nemesis' to start the Bloods, and we will be in business). 

Then there are the times when the irony of a situation makes you shake your head.  This is what happened the day I got to go back to work.  My bff, Renee, was told by her doctor that she was not allowed to go to work.  You see, she was getting on a horse and something popped in her knee.  It's not like she was new to the horse scene, either.  She has been riding for many years.  But on this particular day, something went a bit wrong. 

Actually, it went more than a little bit wrong....She tore her ACL.  And now she has to have surgery on Tuesday.  This is what the 2 of us look like together.

Aren't we adorable??  She's on crutches and I'm on a cane.  20 years we have known each other and we pretty much agreed that when one of us was weak, the other would be strong....But, I think this is kind of funny.  Now after a few weeks of her driving me around, looks like I'll be able to return the favor. 

I'll be impressed if we get through the next two months without Tim coming home to find us in a ball unable to get up by ourselves.  The bright side to that is that I am sure we will be giggling....

Patients....Patience....

I always had trouble spelling those words...would always get them confused....Now, I'm one of those patients with not a lot of patience.  I have no choice but to learn it....

I am finally allowed to start my MS medication.  My doc gave me the choice of 2, Betaseron and Rebif.  Those are the 2 with higher potency.  He didn't want me with one of the other ones since I wasn't responding to all the other stuff as well as he had hoped.  I chose Betaseron.  It's been around the longest.  The side effects don't seem quite as bad.  And it's made from E-coli, not the ovaries of Chinese hamsters....

I got my training kit delivered to me yesterday, and the actual medicine will be here tomorrow.  Unfortunately the training nurse can't get here until Monday to show me how to inject myself.  This is where the patience part is coming in.  I can not wait to start this stuff!!!  It's not supposed to help any symptoms I already have, but is supposed to slow the progression of the disease. 

I'm a little nervous about it, too.  It's supposed to make you feel bad...actually, to quote my doctor, "It's going to be a little rough for a few months."  Months?  Really?  Ok, fine.  Let's get it going while I'm still only allowed to work 4 hours a day.

Come on, people!  Let's hurry up and slow this stuff down!

A whole different kind of therapy...

Since I am working on getting my body all fixed up, and since it's my brain that is all whacked out, it's probably a good idea to go talk to someone. 

I have been a proponent for going to a mind-doctor for some time.  I think it's healthy to talk to someone who is totally impartial and not afraid to tell you what you need to hear.  I started going a few years ago when I had a lot of changes going on in my life.  Compared to the changes going on now, they were nothing, but it turned out that talking was a good thing.  He helped me see things in a different light, and I really think I have healthier relationships now.  I learned to speak my mind a little more and realize that it's ok to say "no" sometimes.

I don't go too often.  Now I just go when I need a little "tweaking" in my head.  Or when something big happens.  The last 2 times I went were work related....a chick jumped off an overpass on the expressway in front of me and died after getting hit by several cars, and when those 2 babies were murdered.

So this MS business is kind of big.  So I thought I should make a visit.  Here are a few things that I learned that I think can be helpful in a lot of different situations.

Sometimes you have to take things in little chunks.  Looking at the big picture will just drive me nuts.  When my doctor tells me that it's too early to tell about a lot of things, it makes me crazy.  So with a bit of will power and some prayer, I realize I can't look too far into the future.  I don't know if I will be able to be a street cop again.  And I really have no idea when that may happen, or when I will have an answer one way or the other.  But I can focus on going to work this week and doing a good job. 

This also helped me a lot when thinking about my house.  Part of me is glad that I have it and the other part of me can't seem to forget that some bad things happened to me while I have lived there.  That may be part of the reason that I couldn't care less what my yard looks like (much to my neighbors chagrin...).  But if I put the past behind me and realize that I can't change any of that, and that it is my house now, I do a bit better.  So, while Cheyenne was cutting my grass, I pulled a small area of weeds.  And since I saw some progress, I pulled a few more the next day.  And the next.  Then, I actually planted some grass!  So, that brings me to my next point....

Stop living in the past... I have finally figured out that it does you absolutely no good.  I figure that everything happens for a reason, good and bad stuff.  And that all of that stuff puts you in exactly the place that God wants you to be.  So, that answers the last question the doctor asked me.....

Are you angry?  Well, how can I be, if I really believe that God has a plan for me and this is all part of it?  Then I would have to admit that I'm angry at God, and honestly, He has done way too much for me to be mad at him. 

Seriously?  What good would it do me to lay in a fetal position and cry all the time?  And who would want to be around me?  I would even want to get away from myself.

I have tried to run from myself (and God) in the past....it never works.

Back to work...

I have been back to work for a little over a week now.  I am so happy.  I was beginning to feel a little worthless with all this sitting around.  Now, I get to go to work and sit around...and answer the phone about 100 times a day!  But, I'm really ok with that.  I think when you have a forced sabbatical that lasts 6 weeks, anything would be a good thing.

I am only working 4 hours a day right now.  I kind of had to beg my doctor for that.  And make a trip to EHS (Employee Health Services), everyone's favorite place.  The doctor was really nice and didn't have a problem with anything my doctor said.  He said whatever restrictions my doctor puts on me he will agree with.  I'm guessing since I am using my own time, he really doesn't care how long I am off....

Work does tire me out a bit.  I can't decide if it's actually from the work, or all the talking I do.  Once I am around people and talk non-stop without taking a breath, I realize what being by yourself for the majority of the time does to you.  Now I'm just trying to not get on anyone's nerves (too much)!

I started a new medication last week.  Neurotin.  It's an anti-seizure medicine that is supposed to turn the volume down in my brain a bit, which should help with the tremors and uncontrollable muscle twitches that are going on right now, especially when I try to fall asleep.  It's amazing how much it has helped.  It's not taking everything away, but it has cut them down so I can sleep.  I am so happy.  When you are able to sleep, everything seems better.

There is a downside to the drug.  It makes me have wacky dreams.  The first few nights, I woke up with disturbing ones, not exactly nightmares, but a bit scary.  Then the dreams turned into just plain strange.  I can handle strange....Then, something very odd happened.  I dreamt in my dream that I was laughing.  Next thing I know, I realize I am awake and cracking up.  Not just a smile or a chuckle, but a belly laugh.  I actually woke myself up laughing.  To those that know me well, you probably aren't completely surprised by this.....

For the rest of you...well, now you know I'm nuts, too....

What kind of specialist will I be?

"A special, specialist...."

Know what that is from?  Jeff Dunham asking Achmed, the dead terrorist, what kind of terrorist he is...."A terrifying, terrorist...."

Anyhoo....It's May 26th and I'm getting promoted to Police Specialist, finally!  When I took the test back in March, it was all I wanted.  After studying for 9 months last time, only to be 4th on the list, when only 3 were promoted, I had a big vendetta against it.  There was no way I wasn't going to get it this time.  Studied for at least 6 months this time...got 4 points higher than last time, too.  I was pretty darn happy.

Then April came and the promotion wasn't what I wanted most.  I wanted to be able to walk to the bathroom by myself.  Read without getting dizzy.  Not have to use a walker.  And drive.  Luckily, God is great and I got all of those and the promotion! 

But, on the morning of the promotion, I'm realizing what stress and nerves do to someone with MS.  I stayed at my southern home (Renee and Tim's house) the night before.  She started driving that night, I think I was scaring her a bit.  Frankly, I was starting to scare myself, so I was quite happy to hand over the keys to her. 

That morning as I was getting ready for the ceremony, my hands were shaking out of control and I was so dizzy.  I had read how things can affect the disease, but it really hit home when Renee had to pull me out of the path of 2 cars and I fell off of the steps at the Academy.  Nice.  It wasn't like I didn't attract enough attention, since I was the only one who couldn't wear the dress uniform and that little cane that holds me up....

It was a nice ceremony.  Most of my family and several friends came.  And when I found out we had to say a few words after we were sworn in, I got to use my line, "Well, I always said I had a big brain, now I have the test scores and the MRI films to prove it."  I am such a dork....

But no matter....I'm promoted, got to keep the "159" part of my badge number and we had Mexican food for lunch.

New Symptoms?? Whatcha talkin' about, brain?

Dear Brain,

Hey, how are you doing?  I'm doing ok.  Getting used to all that you are throwing at me right now.  Really getting good with my cane, don't you think?

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate that I'm not quite as dizzy now.  Still have a few issues, but really thanks a lot that the room doesn't spin so much.  Oh, and it's great that I can taste lemon a little more!  You know how much I love lemon...

Um, I am not really sure how to say this, but I was wondering if it would be possible for you to calm yourself down just a bit.  I know I don't have to get up and go to work yet, but really, all the muscle spasms and twitching makes it kind of hard for me to get to sleep.  And if you could maybe settle the tremors down a little so my hands don't shake so much, that would be cool.  I do carry a gun from time to time.

Not to play hardball, but I thought I should give you the chance to fix yourself before I go back to the doctor next week....

Thanks a lot.  Talk to you soon,
Love,
Mary

Let's get physical.....

The week after I finished my home IV, I started outpatient physical therapy.  My first appointment was for about 60 minutes and started at 7:30 in the morning. 

I got to Mercy Hospital's Healthplex.  Very cool place.  They have a lot of different therapy programs, along with a nice looking gym. 

When I got there, I signed in, and sat down.  You can see the gym from the PT waiting area.  I realized that I definitely was the youngest person there.  Confirmation of that came when I paid attention to the music that was playing.  "That's Amore" by Dean Martin was on.  I suppose it was the equivalent of playing '80s music for me....Anyway, I was getting a funny feeling about my visit.

I know all of my frustration about this is because of all the unknowns that are surrounding me.  Talking to the physical therapist, she asks me what kind of a cop I am.  I tell her on patrol and she gingerly tells me that she doubts that my balance will get back to where I was.  Translation:  She doesn't think I will be able to go back out on the street.  Even though I thought that was probably an option, my stomach dropped a little.  I leave with a schedule for the next couple of weeks and lots of fun balance exercises.

I just could not go home.  Spending too much time by myself was not a good thing for me.  So I go for a drive, listening to melancholy music.  (I'm probably going to have to double up on the Prozac this morning....) 

After a quick prayer that Lisa was not in a meeting and free for lunch, she answered the phone.  Yes, lunch was on.  Thank goodness....

It started with me crumpled in the booth, with her hoping I wasn't going to cry in public.  I was hoping that, also.  But the right ridiculous question made me crack up, and all was semi-right with the universe again.  And the egg salad was pretty good.

A whole lot of tossin' and turnin' going on

When I was in the hospital and getting this medicine, they also gave me a sleeping pill.  I got 6 good hours of sleep each night.  I forgot about this until about 6AM the morning after my first at home infusion, when I was still awake....

The insomnia was painful!  I finally slept for about 4 hours before it was time to get up and do the 2nd infusion.  I'm afraid I'm gonna have to hit the Nyquil for the next 2 doses.  I have a bit of a love affair with Nyquil, especially since I have found Walgreen's Mixed Berry flavor.  Lovely, just lovely.

I finally figured out how to take a shower without getting my IV wet.  At least part of my brain is still working.

Check that out!  A large freezer bag with a lot of tape on it.  I'll worry about pulling off all that tape when I'm clean again.....