Sometimes I like to sing the names of my medications....

To some of my favorite '80's songs.  Today, waiting on Lisa to pick me up for my second MRI of the week, I was enjoying my Ativan cocktail while humming the chorus of "Xanadu".  I think it fits quite well.  Sing it with me "Ativan.....Ativa-an".   See? Not bad.  Earlier in the night, say oh about 3 am when I couldn't sleep AT ALL, my mood was a little different and I really thought I would be singing to the tune of "Amadeus, Amadeus".  See what you think about this "Ativan, ativan, ativan, ativan, ativan, ativan, ativan, ativan, at-at-at-ativan oh, rock me ativan!"

It was a long night. 

I really thought I wasn't one to get nervous over things like this, it was just an MRI.  But when the last one didn't take because of my muscle spasms on the inside, that I can't even feel, messes it up, I guess I realize I'm at a new level.  It's a strange sensation to wish that the scans show something is wrong, or something new has raised it's ugly head.  I am kind of tried of being frustrated and thinking people look at me like there is nothing wrong with me.  Or when I stumble getting up from a chair, or walk into a wall.  First thought seems to be, what is she drinking!  And while I may have a glass of wine on occasion, it's not usually before work. 

I have been doing a lot of praying lately because of some work crossroads that I possibly will have to face.  About 4am this morning, I realized that while I may have said I was frustrated, I think I'm really scared.  Wacky things are going on and I'm just trying to deal with them the best I can.  I start to feel like I shouldn't ask people to help me, cause what if that's just the last time they got for me. 

I don't wanna be a bother.  I get that from my Aunt.

I'm gonna get in bed and read now. Tomorrow could be a whole other adventure, especially if the doctor calls.