Not what I had hoped...or expected

I have been putting off writing about my doctor's appointment for a couple of reasons.  It didn't go the way I wanted or the way I expected.  And if I told people about it, it would become real.  I'm quite happy living in a fantasy world.

My appointment was last Wednesday morning.  I got to UC in plenty of time, armed with a list of questions and a second set of ears (Kat).  I wanted to know if I could go back to work in some capacity.  I knew being on the streets was still out of the question.  I also wanted to know more about how this whole disease thing was going to go.  Surely, they had an idea by now, right?

I usually don't get to nervous going to doctors, but I knew when we were in the waiting room and the magazine was full of Star Wars pictures that something wasn't right.  Star Wars has never failed to get my attention until now.  I'm in trouble.

The doc comes in and we discuss how I'm feeling about the same as when I left the hospital...able to get around, but still dizzy with no balance.  He is surprised I'm not better.  I'm not surprised, though.  Th medicine didn't start working in the hospital when it was supposed to and everything I read tells me that if you have balance, coordination problems and cerebellar involvement, you aren't going to have an easy go of it.  Supposedly, those are the hardest symptoms to treat.  I don't like doing things the easy way.

He watches me walk down the hall.  Apparently, I look like someone who is drunk but is trying to act like they are not drunk.  Then I do the heel to toe walk.  Kat tells me I'm under arrest!  I'm super amused.

We checked out my MRI again.  I have little spots scattered throughout my brain.  Then there is a big spot, probably the size of a half dollar on the left side of my cerebellum, attached to my brain stem.  Doc says if it wasn't for that spot, I would be fine.  How surreal it was to look at a computer screen with images of my brain on it.  Part of me still doesn't believe it. 

I have one big question....since I feel like I'm at a plateau, will this be my baseline? "I don't know", doc says.  I would honestly be fine with that.  It's the not knowing that is driving me bonkers.  You could tell me I need to have to have a foot amputated next week, and since I know that is what is going to happen, I would be ok, because I could deal with it.  How exactly do you deal with something when no one has any answers? 

The rest of my questions got the same sort of answers....I don't know, or, it's too early to tell.  What I do know:

• I still can't go to work.  I really thought he would say I can sit on the desk for at least a few hours a day, but he says I'm not ready yet.  That totally caught me off guard.
• I will go back in a month
• Repeat the MRI in June
• 3 days of IV medicine at my house starting now.

I could open my own medical supply company...now we are adding needles.  Lovely.

I guess the home health people can shred my discharge papers...